In the early spring, when all this social distancing began, we were all about discovering fun family games to play. One of our kids’ favorites at the time was Capture the Flag. We would have one flag location in the front yard and one in the back. We would sneak around trying to capture the other team’s flag. The kids loved this game and would beg us to play it over and over every night after dinner. My husband always finds a way to bring some silliness into every game and for capture the flag, he spent most of his time trying to distract the kids by telling them there was something amazing they had to see….just over there… up in the sky…down in the dirt…over in the tree,….and then grabbing the flag and making a run for it. The kids started doing it too and before we knew it, everyone was pointing to things and trying to sound as dramatic as possible, as in: “Mommy, you HAVE to see this!!!!” We were all so used to it that no one was falling for it anymore.
So it was extra funny one night, when Elise spotted an actual, living baby owl on top our swingset. It was little and round and beautiful…sitting so still like a little statue. Elise said, “Mommy! Daddy! It’s a baby owl!” and we were like…”Yeah right…” Then she said, “Theo, Gus! It’s a baby owl!!” And Theo said, “Oh yeah, good trick Elise.” Gus said, “I don’t BELIEVE you!” Then Elise started yelling, “For REAL! It’s ACTUALLY a BABY OWL!” And we all said, “NICE TRY ELISE!” But then Gus gave in and looked over…he froze on the spot. So we all looked over. And we couldn’t believe it! A baby owl! We stood there in utter astonishment….no one wanting to move or make a sound now that we had finally realized we were in the presence of an actual baby owl. We had never seen this owl before and we haven’t seen him since. It was a magical, one of a kind moment that passed when the little guy flapped away.
This event reminds me of a book I’ve been reading called A New Earth by Ekhart Tolle. Tolle talks about what it’s like to just BE. In the book he describes a conversation he had with a woman he was counseling. It starts with her speaking (pg. 40), “And suddenly I could feel my I Am-ness.” Then Tolle continues, “That is the joy of being, you can only feel it when you get out of your head. Being must be felt. It can’t be thought.” He explains later in the book (pg. 52) “…close your eyes for a moment and find out if there is life inside your hands. Don’t ask your mind, go to the hands directly. By this I mean become aware of the subtle feeling of aliveness inside them. It is there.” Being caught completely off guard by the baby owl sighting, when we were so consumed by the game, brought me back to the joy of being and the feeling of aliveness.
It’s crazy to realize that the joy of being and the feeling of aliveness is available to me at any moment. I’ve been experimenting with the concept. The baby owl moments of life are a quick jolt of presence. Moments of frustration, annoyance and anger (things I feel pretty often as a mom of 3 remote learning students trying to keep it all together and run my business) are reminders to get back to the place of presence…to connect with my inner body aliveness…to look around me…to remember there is magic here, now, in THIS CRAPPY MOMENT! And to realize that there actually are no crappy moments…so if that’s my experience, I must be pretty far down the rabbit hole of miserable thoughts. It’s time to snap into a different kind of attention…switch the thinking to off…and keep it off for a time.
I’ll leave you with one wonderful quote by Pema Chodron, from her book When Things Fall Apart (pg. 129), “The world is always displaying itself, always waving and winking, but we are so self-involved that we miss it. The experience of sticking with it, of not giving up, is one in which the whole world, everything that we see, becomes extremely vivid and more solid, and at the same time, less substantial and more transparent.”
I am so happy to have this adorable, smiley guy as a Sweetgood kid! And, guess what…he is 18 months old TODAY! Yay for Sterling!!! I hope you enjoy reading his favorites as much as I did. I love how our little ones develop preferences so early in life. And the peekaboo story at the bottom…so amazing!
Here are Sterling’s mom’s answers to the interview questions:
Favorite color: Blue
Favorite animal/s: Bears & Monkeys 🐻 🐵
Favorite food: Surprisingly salad – it’s the first thing he goes for on his plate at dinner time. Guess the little guy loves veggies!
Favorite treat: Mango 🥭
Favorite book: Goodnight, Goodnight, Construction Site
Favorite game: Playing pretend with his cars and trucks & stacking blocks
Something unique and special about your child: Sterling was born two weeks and two days late so we like to joke that he’s not afraid of commitment 🤣
Your favorite silly or quirky memory of your child: At seven months old, Sterling reversed roles with mom & dad by playing peekaboo with us! He grabbed dad’s hat to hide behind – it was the sweetest thing ever.
Side note: Sterling was actually one of our models for Sweetgood’s photoshoot with the amazing Chandra Wicke back in early March. He did not stop smiling the entire time…what a joy he was to work with! The photo of him below is from the shoot.
It was during my family’s living room “campout” last weekend that I found myself scanning my surroundings for an escape….could I tiptoe through the dining room into the hall and up the stairs to my bedroom…slowly creak open the front door and slip out into the front yard…open a nearby window and jump out of it…cut out a hole in the floor around me and drop down into the crawl space?
But let me back up a bit. Last weekend was the hottest weekend ever, at least here in Pasadena. We decided to set up our tent and some of our camping paraphernalia in our living room and have a pretend camp out. The kids loved the idea and as soon as the tent was assembled, had filled it with every toy, stuffed animal and/or object from all of their bedrooms. After dinner they got ready for bed and squeezed themselves into their sleeping bags amidst all the toys. Then it was: STORY TIME around the video of a fire crackling away on Theo’s ipad. Arnor started, because he is the official story teller of our family…it was a scary story from when he was a kid and he thought a troll was coming to get him. And then came the kids stories…and the kids acting out of stories which quickly turned into a lot of rolling around in the toy filled tent…and that’s when my enjoyment of this special, bucolic moment started to wane. Can you identify with me, or is this really just me? I was a part of something so dear and wonderful and “fun” and I was itching with restlessness…it took all of my strength to resist the urge to escape in all the ways described above.
I notice this type of impatience popping up a lot as a mom…especially as a mom with kids learning remotely from home. There are so many interruptions to the occasional moments I have to myself. And usually, the interruptions feel very long and slow to me. Even as I was writing this blog post, Elise popped up next to me in tears with her math workbook and pencil saying, “Everyone else got to page 3 already and I’m only on page 1….” Or last weekend when I was making pancakes and wanted to get it done efficiently, quickly and neatly and Gus appeared and wanted to help… Or the other night when I was reading peacefully in my bed and Theo flopped down on the end of the bed to complain about the fact that even though his gaming controller is supposed to operate via bluetooth and he has watched numerous videos on how to troubleshoot it not working, it still won’t work! And then Gus squeezed himself next to me and wanted to ask me a couple questions such as, “Is Sonic the Hedgehog faster than our neighbor’s car?”
To quote Pema Chodrin (When Things Fall Apart), “This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.” And I know this is true because I know that it’s theoretically possible to NOT want to escape moments like these. Even when I’ve had no time to myself all day. It’s a brain error telling me I can’t relax unless I have peace, quiet and NO KIDS around. When really, I could probably relax just fine with the kids around me and this moment is the perfect teacher to teach me just that. The problem is that in a lot of kid-free moments, I find that enjoyment comes naturally to me. So I’ve made the mental leap that kid-free moments are the better moments. Me reading alone is a better moment than me listening to Theo complain or answering Gus’s random questions…or so I’ve decided. The life coach Brooke Castillo says (in her podcast, entitled, It Doesn’t Get Better Than This), “Being aware of the present moment simply means you never believe the illusion that the future is going to be better than what is going on right now.” Brooke goes on to say “We’re often trading our happiness in this moment for some future moment we believe will be better or even some past moment we thought was better. Really our capacity for joy is always the same in both of those moments.”
What’s so interesting is that in moments like these, what really gets me is my own resistance to my own resistance…I’m so mad at myself for not enjoying the moment, so guilty for wanting to defenestrate myself…so ashamed that I can’t find the gratitude for something that’s such a gift in my life! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I think if I open up to the idea that a moment in which I am impatient and grumpy might be just as good a moment as a moment when I am relaxed and joyful, there might be a way forward. I know theoretically that I can create more joy in these kinds of moments with a perspective shift, but first I need to stop resisting my own negative emotions so much. Though I’m sure I should be superhuman, it turns out I’m only human and sometimes humans feel this way. Welcome to life! I’ll let you know how it goes….
What’s so interesting is that in moments like these, what really gets me is my own resistance to myself…I’m so mad at myself for not enjoying the moment, so guilty for wanting to defenestrate myself…so ashamed that I can’t find the gratitude for something that’s such a gift in my life! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I think if I open up to the idea that a moment in which I am impatient and grumpy might be just as good a moment as a moment when I am relaxed and joyful, there might be a way forward. I know theoretically that I can create more joy in these kinds of moments with a perspective shift, but first I need to stop resisting my own negative emotions so much. I’m human and sometimes humans feel this way. Welcome to life! Let’s see how this goes…
A quote from When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodrin:
“Before we know it, we’ve composed a novel on why someone is so wrong, or why we are so right, or why we must get such-and-such. When we begin to understand the whole process, it begins to lighten up considerably. We are like children building a sand castle. We embellish it with beautiful shells, bits of driftwood, and pieces of colored glass. The castle is ours, off-limits to others. We’re willing to attack if others threaten to hurt it. Yet despite all our attachment, we know that the tide will inevitably come in and sweep the sand castle away. The trick is to enjoy it fully but without clinging, and when the time comes, let it dissolve back into the sea.” (pg 49)
When I read this it gave me a new perspective on how I’ve been living my life. I’m an amazing sandcastle builder, embellisher and defender. I’m an expert. I remember a time a few years ago when Theo, my oldest, was struggling in school. He was eventually diagnosed with dyslexia and we were able to get him the help that he needed. However, during the many months he was struggling and we were struggling to figure out what he needed, I built a giant glorious sandcastle blaming myself for the whole mess. I embellished it with so much evidence about how his learning disabilities came from me in the first place, what I should have done differently as a parent, signs I should have seen earlier and so on. My story made this challenging time into an extra painful experience for myself. In retrospect, if I could have been a little gentler with myself and a little quicker to let my grand sandcastle go, I could have felt a lot more peace and balance in spite of Theos challenges. I might have even been more equipped to find solutions. The funny thing was that even after Theo’s reading and school experience improved, I still had trouble letting my story go. My identity was so wrapped up in my sandcastle and it had so many mini sandcastle offshoots in all directions. It was like a large sandcastle subdivision had overtaken my brain.
Sometimes there are good sandcastles that I want to protect from the waves forever, even though their time is up and the tide is coming for them. We took a little trip to Cayucos, a beach town on the central California coast a few weeks ago. The nature there is beautiful. We all had a wonderful time at the beach. There’s something so fulfilling about being out in a natural environment. As I enjoyed the time, I felt myself not wanting to let it go, clinging onto the beautiful scenery and ocean air. It was so good, it was too good! As an expert sandcastle builder and protector, I did not want the waves to take my peaceful sandcastle away! I was so attached to the magic of the trip that it was painful to let it go and come home to the looming reality of being the remote education facilitator for my 3 kids. I was a real crab for a few days after we returned home…I’m gradually becoming human again.
One of my favorite memories from our trip was an afternoon when Gus found a tiny crab and built a “home” for it; a giant drippy sandcastle. The waves kept coming up and partially destroying it and Gus kept laughing and running around it with excitement and rebuilding it. It was fun to see how easily he was able to work with the waves, to let the castle go and rebuild it anew over and over. And when we left he kept looking back to see if it was still standing. Then, as we were walking home he said with a sigh, “The waves are going to knock it down.” What a profound lesson from my five year old, already a philosopher. And once more, in the words of Pema Chodrin, “Enjoy it fully but without clinging, and when the time comes, let it dissolve back into the sea.”
Elise is my daughter btw but I would absolutely JUMP FOR JOY at the chance to share any and all of your little ones in this monthly feature! See below for instructions! Here are Elise’s answers to her interview questions:
The favorites: Color: mint green and aqua Animals: dog and fox Activity: swinging and swimming Game: making a giant stuffed animal world with friend on Facetime or little brother in real time Food: pesto, apples, Romano cheese Treat: ice cream Book: Harry Potter Game to play with friends at recess: horses or dogs Memory: when we picked our dog Maggie (pictured above) up from the airport and met her for the first time
Q: If you could be an animal, what animal would you want to be? A: A horse or a dog
Q: What do you want to be when you grow up? A: A veterinarian
Here is an abstract drawing by Elise.
Something I love about my daughter: First off, she’s silly. As evidenced by the photo above. Even Maggie the dog doesn’t know what to make of it. Secondly, Elise has this great social awareness that I love. We were talking about secrets the other night because Harry was supposed to keep a secret (that’s Harry Potter of the book) and she was telling me how secrets get passed so quickly at school because the first girl tells her friend a secret and says “don’t tell anyone” and then the friend tells another friend and says “she told me not to tell anyone so don’t tell anyone.” And before you know it, every girl knows the secret! Elise said she thought that just telling the next friend, “don’t tell anyone” doesn’t quite make it ok to tell the original secret. I was thinking…this might be a great tactic I could use in my own life! 🤔 Just kidding, just kidding…I will never tell. So keep those secrets coming my way! 🤣 In these pics, Elise is wearing one of my all time favorite Sweetgood pieces, the Eva Puff Sleeved Dress. I love the timeless quality of this style and how it can go from fast food joint to looking chic for a nicer event. All of my forced photography (wait, who me? 😬) has resulted in a general attitude of non-compliance from my sweet Elise, however, I am still able to snap a few pics, if I work quickly.
I would love to feature your little one as one of Sweetgood’s Sweeties if the Month! Please print out the form below and you’ll find all the instructions right on it!
I’ve been reading Loving What Is by Byron Katie. That’s “Loving What Is” as opposed to my own personal mantras; “Hating What Is” and “Loving What Isn’t.” It’s an amazing book about dropping into the beauty of reality. I am noticing all the ways I am arguing with reality and how that hurts me. Here’s a great example from my own personal history book. My oldest son, Theo (he’s 11 now), was a horrible sleeper as a baby. I really started going nuts about it when he was around 9 months old. He woke up at night…multiple times…for months…years…decades! Ok not decades…but let’s say 1-3 years. It was bad. It was all the things all the books told me was wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong (and definitely not right). I had read all the books so I thought I knew what to do. But I didn’t. So I turned to: MORE BOOKS. More books gave my lots more ideas which didn’t work at all. I felt awful because I believed more sleep was the key to Theo’s future success and I believed that I should be able to make him SLEEP! I was SURE I was just doing it wrong. I was also pretty sure there was something wrong with me, causing all the methods to not work for me.
When I look back I see that I was in a deep state of “Loving What Isn’t” and “Hating What Is.” I loved the idea of him sleeping through the night every night, falling asleep peacefully at his bedtime and napping solidly for 2-3 hours every afternoon. I loved the idea that his brain would develop so well with all that sleep. I loved the idea of the peace and downtime and SLEEP I would get if he slept better. I loved the idea of me being the mom who could take care of business. It was a beautiful vision that I LOVED. And I hated: everything that was reality. He was AWAKE at 10 pm, after having cried for 2 hours (sleep training). Then he was AWAKE at 1 pm. Then he was AWAKE at 5 am and ready to start the day. And finally: He was NOT NAPPING at 1 pm, after having cried for 2 hours at last night’s bedtime, awoken at 1 pm, and awoken again at 5 am to start the day! And I hated the reality that all of the books I read and the things I tried didn’t work. I hated the reality that I couldn’t control his sleep.
When I look back I remember how Arnor treated me with the sort of kindness and compassion that you have for someone who is completely insane. He spoke to me in a gentle voice, agreed with everything I said, tiptoed around… He had not read any of the books and would have just rolled with the under-sleeping baby, had I not been 100% convinced that reality was wrong and the picture in my brain was right. Theo eventually grew out of it. That is to say with 100% clarity and assurance: I did not TRAIN him out of it. He grew out of it when he was ready to. And since then he has slept fine.
When I went on to have my two other babies, I found that I felt so much more peace and enjoyment in that baby phase. I had gotten the idea of a perfectly-sleeping baby out of my head, so I didn’t have that vision to love. So when they didn’t sleep very well, I just accepted it and moved on. I remember talking about the whole baby sleep drama with my college roommate, Jenny, and she said, “Your kids sound just like you.” (If I remember right, she also pointed out that me fighting endlessly with reality didn’t surprise her much either…ahem). It had never really occurred to me that maybe my kids had just inherited my high energy, borderline hyperactive tendencies. And I realized: those tendencies have actually served me pretty well through the years. I started to find ways to make my life better within the confines of reality. I think this was the equivalent of loving what is.
It turned out that I was so much better at coming up with creative solutions for my life once I stopped fighting with reality. Elise and Gus both loved to sleep in the car and their naps never survived the transfer from car seat to crib. Some of my friends from back then will tell you, I was the mom who removed that giant convertible toddler car seat (the one that’s not designed to be conveniently removed) at any and all times and lugged it around with the sleeping baby in it. I found a method of balancing it on our other stroller, which didn’t endanger their safety too much. And you know what? It worked a lot better than the advice in all the books! I was happier and I had more time to myself. I could plan my day around those car naps.
As I think back on this, I start to notice all the ways I’m “hating what is,” now. Or let us say, fighting with reality rather than accepting it and moving on. I’m challenged by remote learning and remote summer school because I have limited time to work on my company. And I see how I’m fighting with it rather than finding the clever workarounds. I’m so disappointed by the evaporation of our summer travel plans that I can’t even imagine a clever workaround for summer fun right here at home..even though we have such a lovely home, this should be a no brainer! And on it goes. Byron Katie says that reality is never wrong. Reality is always right, because it just IS. Clearly I’ve got my work cut out for me….I hope you are all well and I wish you a lovely summer! Thank you for reading!
Ok, I admit, this isn’t a how-to blog post…sorry if that’s a big disappointment. If you DO happen to be one of those naturally balanced, peaceful humans and you are tired of meditating and breathing deeply, this post might help you find the path towards inner drama…I’m the perfect guide because inner drama comes so naturally to me! It’s like, I don’t even have to TRY! In the absence of all the external things that used to keep me busy and distracted, I have up-levelled my inner drama to keep myself busy and distracted.
99% of my inner drama is too ridiculous and embarrassing to even write here…and if you’re a regular reader, you’ll know that that’s really saying something. In any case, one shareable example is how I got myself all twisted into a Bavarian pretzel because Gus doesn’t really miss school or his friends all that much…except for his friend, Rocco. And he really doesn’t like Zoom calls…his nursery school teachers have been running Zoom calls for his class and the other kids really look into the camera, engage with each other and the teachers and ask and answer questions. In contrast, Gus does not engage, say hello, or ask or answer questions. Instead he does one or more of the following: plays with the Zoom settings, messes with my computer, rotates his Zoom background, mutes and unmutes himself, raises and lowers the sound on my computer, makes loud bizarre noises, answers questions with loud bizarre noises, makes strange and bizarre faces, answers questions with strange and bizarre faces, falls off his chair on purpose, hides behind things or under the table and/or asks me repeatedly if the call is over yet. As the weeks went by I was gradually getting more and more stressed about Gus’s lack of Zoom ability…and wondering why the other parents were all saying how much their children LOVE the Zoom calls, miss their school and their friends while Gus is…well….pretty satisfied with his new hermit lifestyle.
I spent lots of time coming up with stressful theories to answer my question. For example, he has social anxiety, he has a social disorder, he is simply not as smart as he should be for his age, etc. And then, as if things weren’t bad enough, his new school (he is going to kindergarten next year) decided to host Zoom calls for the new kindergarten families…we were on our call with the head of the lower school, the kinder family welcome committee, the lower school parent organization president (who happens to be my dear pal) and 6 other new kinder families. Each kid/family was supposed to say hello, introduce their family and a stuffed animal and then say one activity they were doing to keep busy at home. After all 6 other kids had raised their hands distressingly enthusiastically (if you’re us), introduced their families, stuffed animals and safer-at-home activity unnervingly eloquently (if you’re us), it was Gus’s turn. Since Arnor and I were on the call with him, he could not engage in a lot of his usual shenanigans, but what he did do was: refuse to speak, hide behind his stuffed animal and at one point he actually leaned toward the camera and rolled his eyes rather slowly. Arnor and I laughed it off at the moment and then proceeded to lie awake in bed half the night trying to figure out if/when to have him psychologically analyzed and creating a distressing motion picture in our minds of how this could all play out for THE REST OF GUS’S LIFE.
The next afternoon, my friend (the lower school parent organization president who had also been on the call) texted me saying she had spent all day smiling to herself about Gus rolling his eyes on the call. And I was like “I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that Gus will never function normally in society!” The humor in the situation hadn’t even occurred to me! My friend had also sat in on the other kinder zoom calls and informed me that a lot of the other kids had been shy and resistant…those kids just didn’t happen to be on OUR call…Murphy’s Law. I was reading Loving What Is by Byron Katie and I love how she describes the brain as coming up with thoughts all day and when we believe these thoughts we use our imaginations to turn the thoughts into dramatic movies in our brains…it’s not just the thoughts, it’s also the visuals…we actually use our memories of how things looked, sounded and felt in the past to create a future reality that’s only in our minds. And then, and this is the worst part, WE FALL FOR IT! Because we’re SO TALENTED at it! Our inner movies are very convincing. What Byron Katie points out is that when we do this, we are living in an imagined future based on the past…and do you realize what we’re NOT doing? We’re not experiencing our lives in the present! In my panicked movie making/watching state, I wasn’t even able to experience the Gus of now because I was so hooked into the past/future imagined version of him with all of his imagined freaky social and mental issues.
Besides considering movie-making as a new career option, I’ve also been taking the opportunity of being here with Gus all day to watch him without my movie-maker lens for a change. The Gus of now doesn’t really like Zoom calls and likes people much more in real life. He plays with his siblings all day. He does enjoy talking on Zoom with his one friend, Rocco. One day while I was vacuuming, he got his toy microscope out of the closet, unpacked it and all of it’s accessories, pulled out a blank slide went to the yard and found a dead bug, placed in on the slide with a drop of water, tried to cover the slide with a slide cover (which didn’t work because he bug was too thick) and came to me to ask me to label the slide with the word “bug.” Then he looked at it for a while under the microscope and exclaimed, “It’s so a m a z i n g!” I love that he actually remembered all of the steps to prepare a slide from the last time we did this a couple weeks ago. I’ve decided maybe Gus isn’t really mentally behind and perhaps he inherited some hermit-like tendencies from his parents…ahem…but other than that he’s the exact Gus he should be. And I am making some small steps away from inner drama and toward inner peace. Soon, you will find me sitting cross-legged on a mat in an empty room rubbing a small stone (imagery courtesy of my mom’s friend). I hope you are finding your way towards inner peace. OR, if you’re looking for more drama, hopefully this was somewhat instructive for you. I am so thankful to you for reading and for being one of my dear Sweetgood Weekly subscribers. I appreciate you so much!!! Lots of love to you!!!
Hello friends! I hope this edition of the Diary of a Blah Mom finds you well, in the midst of such unusual times. I’m finding it hard to stay my usual blah self with all the distressing news and information out there in the world. Not to mention all the stress in here (inside my brain). If you have a brain that is highly skilled at looking for danger (just hypothetically…not speaking from personal experience here) then the constant news stream, designed to get our attention, is a recipe for panic. Plus, I’m feeling a lot of disappointment because I was planning to attend 6 shows for Sweetgood this spring and as of now only 2 of them are still on the calendar and I expect those to be cancelled sooner or later. I’m not supposed to leave home anymore to drive patterns, fabric, cut fabric pieces, finished garments, etc, around LA. So Sweetgood production is at a standstill. For a brief moment I thought I had it figured out: Since I can’t focus on the spring shows or the manufacturing of the spring pieces, it makes sense to just stay home, relax and focus on the online aspect of the business. YES…PERFECT…GREAT IDEA! But wait…I’m now responsible for homeschooling 3 children!!!
Newsflash: Homeschooling is not as easy as I thought it would be. That’s because I’ve never done it before! If any of you reading this are teachers or homeschooling moms, let me say that I have a new appreciation for you! Not that I didn’t before…but now I’m really scratching my head and asking all the experts I know, how exactly someone like me is gonna make this work. I’ve never thought thoughts about how to homeschool before. The only thought I’ve thought about homeschooling is: “you’d have to be a special breed of mom to have the patience, enthusiasm and devotion to do it…and I’m probably NOT that special breed of mom…” At first when school went remote, I thought, “Great, Arnor will be home too so he can totally help me! He’s a teacher and he’s great with the kids! Two parents can somehow manage to do the job of one capable homeschooling mom. Then I realized that he needs to teach all of his classes from home! The only option was to squeeze him into the corner of our upstairs bedroom, to remove him from: “the chaos.” In case you’re not catching on here: “the chaos” is ME homeschooling the children. So the past week of homeschooling (AKA: “the chaos”) was a good occasion to reflect on some of my unhelpful thoughts about myself and my capability to manage my children’s education here at home…or lack of capability in this case. Of course, thoughts like that will tend to create the exact chaos I’ve been experiencing…funny how that works.
I feel like I’ve been thrown back to a time when the kids were little and not in school and they needed my near-constant attention. While Theo and Elise are moving out of this phase, Gus is still very much in constant need of my attention (at least HE is 100% sure of this). Plus Elise needs a lot of help with her math and reading and Theo needs someone keeping an eye on his progress. So there aren’t any real breaks in this schedule, except for the occasional and all too fleeting moment when everyone is playing peacefully together or the dreaded yet beloved screen time…just like when the kids were little (I think anyone with multiple little ones knows that nap times never coincided in a way that could be used as work time…unless that was just me?) So there’s very little time for me to do all the work I was planning to do on Sweetgood over March and April. Just like back when the kids were little, there was little time for me to work on all the creative/business endeavors I wanted so badly to do.
The thing is, when I look back I realize I used to be so hard on myself. When the kids were little I basically chose to put them first while choosing to hate myself for not putting my creative/business endeavors first. So I would either beat myself up for not getting my own work done while taking care of the little ones all day (and night) and not giving myself ANY credit for it…or I would get my own work done…which usually meant staying up all hours when I was already exhausted…which was really just another form of beating myself up. It was like I could not accept that this was a time in my life when I wouldn’t be able to achieve these lofty goals. Or maybe I just wanted to be mad at myself? Was it a good distraction from other emotions I didn’t want to feel? I’m not really sure but what I do know is, I would set the goals and then use them as a reason to hate myself. I could feel all this creeping back to me last week when I realized my Sweetgood goals were slipping away in a cloud of educational apps and instructions for their use, workbooks, worksheets, zoom calls, teacher emails with ideas for what we can do at home, classroom texts, instagram posts about creative homeschooling ideas, and so on. And I felt the self-hatred kind of creeping in…because now I’m going to be an entrepreneur who puts her real dream aside…again.
So I happened to hear the perfect coaching call the other day in which Brooke (Life Coach School) said, “When we take something quality and good and important to us and we do it, and then we put ourselves down by saying it’s not enough, we ruin our own energy stream when we could utilize a contribution that we’re making to energize us. ‘I did this and this is amazing, I did this and this is amazing’…enjoy your contribution….It’s important that you allow yourself to be proud…that will shift and energize you.” This almost gives me the chills because I’ve spent so much of my life doing the EXACT opposite, especially since having kids. And I have so recently gotten out of my negative thought loop (putting the kids first and hating myself for it), because the kids grew up and eventually they were all in school. But I never really learned the lesson I needed to learn…I just felt better and more appreciative of myself as I had more and more time to do my own work. So I’m finding it so interesting to get this bizarre opportunity to relive the same circumstances and to make a different choice than I did before. I’m so disappointed to put the business goals aside, but I’m choosing to do it because the immediate needs of the kids are more important right now and I know the lofty goals I have for Sweetgood can wait. I’m learning to make homeschooling work and I’m learning to appreciate THAT as my contribution right now. I know THAT is the lesson that’s in this for me. My brain SO WANTS to tell me why I’m a horrible entrepreneur because the only thing I’ve accomplished for Sweetgood this week is….THIS blog post…and it took me a l l w e e k…and my brain is telling me: “This blog post isn’t enough”…but I’m going to choose to give myself credit for it AND all the educational assignments and projects completed….all the walks we’ve taken…all cookies we’ve baked together…and all the quality time we’ve spent together in the lovely moments when I wasn’t a banchee….if I can create more moments like those, I will be so appreciative of myself! And I would like to come out of this feeling like I created a stronger connection with my kids, my husband and myself.
So right now I’m practicing thinking these thoughts about teaching, homeschooling, the kids, my life, etc:
“I will get back to my Sweetgood goals when the kids go back to school. And whenever that is, it will be the exact right time.” This helps me relax about my own stuff…and create expectations for myself that make sense…and be present in the NOW.
“I give my kids permission to be cranky, grumpy, angry, to fight with each other and to argue with me as much as they want.” This is a great little thought…it’s almost a trick, because (as you may have noticed) there’s nothing I can do as a mom to fix a cranky, grumpy, angry kid…at least not in the moment, even though I SO WANT TO! So giving them permission, helps my brain relax and gives me space to move along and not mirror those exact feelings and behaviors back to them (not that I’ve ever done this but…hypothetically…).
“When they all ask for my help at once, I will think about baby birds squawking for a worm and then help them one at a time.” I don’t know why this popped into my head one time, but I like it.
“Being this important person in my little ones’ lives is the best thing ever.” It really is amazing that they love me as much as they do…especially given all of my “human-ness.”
“I can create a balanced and calm environment.” If my thoughts are calm and balanced, everything around me feels so much better.
“It is fun to be a part of their education.” I mean…it IS fun to see what they are working on and what they can do!
“I am doing a good job at homeschooling, especially for a beginner.” Little credit please…appreciate myself for all the little things and build on that.
“This is the most important work I can do right now.” That’s why I’m doing it so I might as well value it and be proud of it.
“It is fun to have everyone at home all together.” For example, Arnor is trying to cancel a flight now and singing along to all the 80s songs playing from the phone while he’s endlessly on hold…he’s on spring break this week so I’ve got extra help…for now…
“It’s so fun to catch them completely immersed in their OWN discovery of the properties of materials and how things work.” I picked this one up from my favorite nursery school teacher! I love how it moves me from my own experience into thinking about the kids’ experience…and reminds me to really notice these moments and how special they are.
“Let the children lead, then pay attention to what captures their attention most…that’s your cue of where to go next.” Same source as above! Since the schedule is a bit more open now, why not think about what the kids are interested in and try to direct the learning to that?
“It’s amazing to watch them develop and facilitate this growth.”Ditto and thank you! (if you’re reading this…) It’s helpful to remember that the whole point of school is to help kids learn and grow…when I pay attention to that aspect, it becomes a lot more fun.
Maybe something in my story will resonate with you. I would love to hear what your experiences are. Please leave a comment or email me back or text me or IG message or FB message me…at least we’ve got OPTIONS for communication even if it’s not in person. I want to wish you all health and safety. I also want to wish you a special time with everyone at home all together. I ALSO want wish you much success with homeschooling if that’s what you are doing too. I ALSO ALSO want to wish you toilet paper, butter, eggs and spaghetti noodles. May we all come out of this healthy, stronger and more appreciative of each other and our lives as we used to (and will again soon…hopefully) know them. Thank you all for reading…you are the best!
Valentine’s Day is coming up so I’ve been thinking about the topic of LOVE. Especially the love that we have for our kids. Whenever I get together with my dear pal (you shall remain nameless but you’ll know who you are…) and the subject of her kid comes up, she always says without hesitation “I love my kid soooooo much” with a genuine look of joy and happiness on her face. It’s like the mere thought of her kid brings up such strong feelings of love, joy and peace for her in any given moment. Her kid is actually a full-fledged adult now but for years I used to marvel at how awesome her kid must really be all the time in every moment, to illicit this kind of a reaction from her mom. I mean we all love our kids…I know that. I love my kids! And I know that all my friends love their kids so much and would do anything for their kids. But in my experience it’s still rare for a parent to have this sort of automatic, immediate feeling of pure love at the mention of their kid/kids. Take me, for instance. At the mention of my kids my default response is something like, “My kids are all going through their own super annoying phases and driving me nuts.” Because, let’s get real here…IT’S THE TRUTH!!! I’ve got one who is obsessed with and constantly in need of: NEW THINGS. And in spite of the fact that we have instituted a family-wide spending freeze which started at Christmas and will continue indefinitely, he still insists on selling me on the merits of this, that or the other new thing he is 100% sure will totally revolutionize his experience of being alive. Then I’ve got one who is going through a super messy phase…she can’t be somewhere without leaving socks, shoes, tape, scissors, markers, crumbs, wrappers, toys, parts of toys, etc etc etc. Then finally there’s our little guy who has recently decided to scream bloody murder every time he feels he is being treated unfairly, which is ALWAYS. So at any moment in time you will probably find me patiently or not so patiently listening to another recital of the merits of such and such necessary item, while tripping over all sorts of things left all over the floor, while hearing a continuous blood-curdling scream in the background. And my feeling is: ANNOYED. Have I mentioned this before on this blog? In every diary entry? Riiiiiiiight….insert guilty-faced emoticon here.
So here’s what blows my mind though. All people are neutral….not inherently good, bad, annoying or lovable…it’s only our thinking that makes it so. And sometimes we may choose to think certain people in the world are bad and that’s ok. But at the same time, I find that I am accidentally, inadvertently, creating all of these negative thoughts and feelings about my kids. If my kids are neutral people in the world, why am I not choosing to love them madly all the time? The person who will benefit most from me loving my kids madly is….ME. Because I would get to feel all that love whenever I want to! Just like my friend!
So over the course of the last year I’ve been working on all those subtle thought corrections on a day by day basis…there are good sides to all of the stuff I’m so annoyed by. I love that my oldest, Theo, always has some plan of what he wants to do…selling customized goods is his latest project…which of course required the purchase of special acrylic markers and white t-shirts…so much for the spending freeze…woh woh woh…but I love that he’s doing it and he’s gotten a whole group of his friends into the idea as well. Elise does make messes everywhere but it’s also awesome that she is always coming up with fun things to keep herself busy and learning new things in the process…and Gus and the screaming? It’s not super lovable but whenever I approach him in his screaming moments he melts into a hug so easily, which is the best. See? These are much better thoughts to think…I’m so much happier with these thoughts. I love that loving someone like crazy doesn’t mean you pretend that they are perfect. You don’t have to become one of those doting parents who thinks everything their kids do is perfect all the time. And even my dear friend who always says “I love my kid” doesn’t believe her kid is 100% perfection. She just loves her so much. Which is such a beautiful thing! Btw, if you don’t have kids, this works just the same for husbands, friends, family members, etc. I’ve been doing this work on my husband, Arnor, as well and now I hardly know what our marriage is about anymore without me being constantly annoyed at him all the time…but recreating it in a new way is so worth it. And then of course, there’s the final frontier of loving myself more…and you know what’s weird, that’s the hardest one of all. I feel like I’m having a total identity crisis because I don’t even know who I am anymore without all the negativity. But it’s the identity crisis I want to have so I’m just gonna go with it. I wish you all a Valentine’s Day filled with loving thoughts about the people in your life and the resulting feelings of love, joy, contentment and peace YOU get to enjoy! One more thing: I love you all for reading this and appreciate it so so so so much! Thank you!!!
The holidays are upon us. This is a great chance for children everywhere to see some really cranky parents. And by cranky parents I mean me, Leah…blah mom turned cranky mom. Everything was bumping along alright until this past weekend. I had a million plans for holiday achievements that needed to be achieved and I unfortunately forgot one critical thing yet again: I have 3 kids. And they are SUPER WOUND UP about the holidays! So progress on all the tasks was pretty much non-existent… I could just feel the stress and overwhelm building as I looked around the house at unwashed clothes, washed-yet-unfolded clothes, washed-folded-yet-un-put-away clothes, the half trimmed tree, the 3 boxes of Christmas paraphernalia still lurking around the edges of the living room, 150 unsent Christmas cards, not-yet-wrapped-up gifts, not-yet-tucked-into-envelopes teacher gift cards and all the promises I had made to the kids about BAKING. Elise reminded me of these promises no less than 30 times between the hours of 6 and 9 am on Sunday morning. And on top of all this, (those of you with an Icelandic husband like mine will know) the Icelandic Santas started coming on December 12!!! December 12!!! The Icelandic Santas are this hilarious group of trolls/elves who come at night and bring candy or small toys and leave them in the shoes of Icelandic kids. They have names like “Pot Licker,” “Door Slammer” and “Window Peeper.” They are a mischievous bunch and they live in a messy cave with their “grumpy, unpleasant, disgruntled and annoyed” mother, Gryla, the Christmas Hag, who cooks misbehaving children in her cauldron (This information is from The 13 Yule Lads of Iceland by Brian Pilkington.) and their father Leppaludi who lays low to avoid being cooked in Gryla’s cauldron. It’s all starting to sound awfully familiar though (apart from the fact that I don’t even own a cauldron)…is there some deeper truth here? In any case, if you want to avoid giving the kids candy every day, you must have 13 little gifts for EACH KID! (And since I have reluctantly put Arnor in charge of all this, there has been a lower proportion of carefully-thought-out toys and a larger proportion of ridiculous amounts of candy prompting additional early morning mommy crankiness, like the day he gave them each a giant candy-cane-shaped plastic container filled with Christmas M&Ms. To Arnor: If you’re going to give them candy, at least make it: SMALLER.) Plus each Santa has a special snack that he enjoys, which must be left out and found half eaten in the morning.
By Sunday I was on the verge of spontaneous combustion and reminding myself that stop, drop and roll is the proper procedure should I suddenly burst into flames…plus I know exactly where the fire extinguisher is as well. So that is comforting. “Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year, it’s just not really widely reported.” (This is a quote by David St. Hubbins from the movie Spinal Tap). I’m pretty sure 99% of the dozens of people who spontaneously combust each year are moms at Christmastime. After a long day of stressing myself out with thoughts like, “You are way behind in EVERYTHING” I was finally tucking my simmering self into bed under 3 layers of blankets to prevent spontaneous combustion while sleeping, only to remember that we forgot to put the Icelandic Santa gifts in the shoes and partially eat the snack! NOOOOOO!!!
It wasn’t until Monday when the kids went off to school and I had a moment to think straight and get my thoughts out of the total disordered state they were in (perfectly mirroring my house) that I realized, all this stuff that I need/want to do is actually a great opportunity for me to work on my inner Gryla. It was very helpful for me to realize that (as is always the case) none of the holiday stuff or household mess is creating my stress and overwhelm. I’m creating that all by myself. I have this belief that if I can get everything done and stay on top of my overly optimistic schedule, that means I am one of those on-top-of-it moms who succeeds at everything and looks good while doing it. If I can keep my family and house in order, that means I can probably succeed at building a successful company and my kids will probably turn out amazing and all the rest of it. So it’s not just about the laundry and creeping clutter and holiday achievements, it’s a deeper meaning that I’m giving to the laundry and creeping clutter and holiday achievements that is really driving me nuts. The question is: can I think of myself as an on-top-of-it-all mon who is destined to succeed even while surrounded by the messy house, unfinished tasks and wound up kids? Even if I’m off schedule? Even if I’m on the verge of spontaneous combustion or worse, if I’ve actually transformed into Gryla the Christmas Hag?!! The truth is, since my thoughts are up to me, then of course I can. It’s just going against the grain in my brain. My brain is like, “Yup, here we go again. You can’t handle the Christmas season which is a sign that it’s never gonna work out for you. You’re Gryla the Christmas Hag.” and I’m just falling for it!
So while I work on my own perspective shift and believing that I’m one of those amazing on-top-of-it-all moms regardless of my Gryla-like tendencies and untidy cave…I mean house..I want to wish you all a lovely holiday season!!! I hope you will take a moment in the midst of your self-created holiday craziness to appreciate all the work YOU have put in to making this time special for your little ones and loved ones. Even if you’re on the verge of spontaneous combustion or worse, you, like me, have transformed into Gryla, you’ve probably only gotten yourself to this place because of a lot of sweet intentions and unmanaged thinking. If this is the case, appreciating yourself is the perfect gift for you to give yourself this holiday season…it’s free yet priceless, plus no gift wrap or ribbon or tag or gift receipt required! It might even prevent spontaneous combustion or transform you back to the charming non-hag-like mom you really are. (Note: if you really can’t find it in your heart to appreciate yourself, give yourself the gift of a Prada handbag with a big bow on it…I bet even Gryla wouldn’t have been quite so grumpy had Door Slammer or Sausage Stealer given her one…)